Fear of the Forties!
Families lie. They lie to please, yet it hurts. Hurts real bad, when you finally stumble on the truth. I should have seen the tell-tale signs of my family’s unwillingness to tell me the truth. I should have sensed it in the gifts they brought me; in the way they avoided looking me in the eye when I asked them how I looked. Well, in case all this doesn’t make sense, then the good way to begin is at the beginning….
I think what prompted this strain of thought, is not one particular incident but a series of them actually. It is only on this cloudy, gloomy and terribly humid day, all of it became clear to me. I was sitting on the verandah, sipping my piping hot coffee, (beat the heat with the hot, was my mantra) when my thoughts traveled back in time, to all those years gone by, when I enjoyed doing just what I was doing today.
And, I thought, ‘Next month’s my birthday, and I will turn 39 and enter the 40s’. I couldn’t believe it, 40, me? Why, it seemed just like the other day, when I was in college, when I got married, when my daughter was born… All momentous happenings in my life seemed just like the other day. Well…
My reverie of those days was suddenly disturbed by a voice which called out “Aunty, mein jaun kya” (Can I go?) An innocuous and harmless question, which my maid always asks before she leaves. I don’t know why that should trigger so many emotions. “Aunty” I wondered, when did this happen? To tell you the truth, from the time we moved into this new house, a few months back, this is what she has been calling me. She is all of 22. When I looked shocked on the first day, my husband and daughter assured me that it was only out of respect, she was calling me like that. I took it in my stride. So, why then, that today it should disturb me so much. Well, the reason is, I realized that a lot of ‘young’ people around me are all calling me ‘aunty’ now a days. Ughghg!!!
The other day, I stopped by a group of college students to ask for directions and they said ‘Aunty, take the first left a little ahead of the Signal’. That should have put me on guard, but I was too caught up in finding the right location. Foolish me…
Small incidents these, not really a matter of concern, but when did I suddenly age so much. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel any older than I did during my 20s. And every woman’s magazine I picked up proclaimed, that in present day the 40s were the new 20s. So, how come I and my peers are the only ones who are reading it? Why are the 20 somethings now, calling us New 20 somethings, ‘aunty’? I protest! I protest vehemently!
Actually, I never realized I am aging, despite the fact that my husband and daughter brought me products like “Anti-wrinkle Under Eye Cream” or “Anti Aging Fairness Cream”. I should have paused and pondered when these gifts started arriving. Even when my husband bought “Axe” Deos for himself and anti-aging creams for me, the seeds of doubt were never sown.
I should have realized that time in the Mall when my daughter gently guided me to XL sizes with cuts and suits for middle-aged women. While I was still stuck in a mental age of 20 somethings, my body was surely and steadily gaining momentum and moving towards the forties. The dichotomy of it all, Hey, I am a “20 something” being dragged by a “Nudging 40 body” didn’t seem right to me.
It didn’t hit me even the time when a young friend casually used words like ‘speed-dating’, and acronyms like ‘ttyl’, ‘tc’ and ‘btw’ and I had been stumped. What was that? I hadn’t even heard them before, Hello! Where was I when the world was coming up with such terms?
When I turned to my friends for comfort they agreed with me. None of us felt old, well, 40 was old, in fact, is old, isn’t it? But how come we don’t feel that way. How come I can giggle like a school girl in teens when I am with my old friends? Ouch!! Pun unintended, by old here, I don’t mean age, just friends whom I have known for a long time!! How come my friends seem the same to me and I seem the same to them, for years now. Is it that I have mentally aged them alongside me? Or I can’t see the physical changes in their appearances, as I can’t see any changes in my own?
My teenage daughter surely can and she knows how to bruise my ego. When I showed her some pictures my friends posted on “Facebook” and told her, my friends haven’t changed a bit from our college days she said nonchalantly, “They must have really looked old in college then’ or the time I showed her my pictures from college, and she exclaimed, ‘Ma, you look so different, so young, in fact, quite nice” What was that supposed to be, a compliment or what? Am I different now? I still feel the same.
I want to scream out, ‘I am the same’; ‘I look the same’, ‘I am no different’, but something holds me back. Maybe my new found maturity!! All around, there were enough hints. Only, I didn’t take them. I think I should have realized I am past the mark. But not me, No. Well, Fearsome Forties??!!!....
Well, who cares…? Here I go…
I think what prompted this strain of thought, is not one particular incident but a series of them actually. It is only on this cloudy, gloomy and terribly humid day, all of it became clear to me. I was sitting on the verandah, sipping my piping hot coffee, (beat the heat with the hot, was my mantra) when my thoughts traveled back in time, to all those years gone by, when I enjoyed doing just what I was doing today.
And, I thought, ‘Next month’s my birthday, and I will turn 39 and enter the 40s’. I couldn’t believe it, 40, me? Why, it seemed just like the other day, when I was in college, when I got married, when my daughter was born… All momentous happenings in my life seemed just like the other day. Well…
My reverie of those days was suddenly disturbed by a voice which called out “Aunty, mein jaun kya” (Can I go?) An innocuous and harmless question, which my maid always asks before she leaves. I don’t know why that should trigger so many emotions. “Aunty” I wondered, when did this happen? To tell you the truth, from the time we moved into this new house, a few months back, this is what she has been calling me. She is all of 22. When I looked shocked on the first day, my husband and daughter assured me that it was only out of respect, she was calling me like that. I took it in my stride. So, why then, that today it should disturb me so much. Well, the reason is, I realized that a lot of ‘young’ people around me are all calling me ‘aunty’ now a days. Ughghg!!!
The other day, I stopped by a group of college students to ask for directions and they said ‘Aunty, take the first left a little ahead of the Signal’. That should have put me on guard, but I was too caught up in finding the right location. Foolish me…
Small incidents these, not really a matter of concern, but when did I suddenly age so much. In my heart of hearts I didn’t feel any older than I did during my 20s. And every woman’s magazine I picked up proclaimed, that in present day the 40s were the new 20s. So, how come I and my peers are the only ones who are reading it? Why are the 20 somethings now, calling us New 20 somethings, ‘aunty’? I protest! I protest vehemently!
Actually, I never realized I am aging, despite the fact that my husband and daughter brought me products like “Anti-wrinkle Under Eye Cream” or “Anti Aging Fairness Cream”. I should have paused and pondered when these gifts started arriving. Even when my husband bought “Axe” Deos for himself and anti-aging creams for me, the seeds of doubt were never sown.
I should have realized that time in the Mall when my daughter gently guided me to XL sizes with cuts and suits for middle-aged women. While I was still stuck in a mental age of 20 somethings, my body was surely and steadily gaining momentum and moving towards the forties. The dichotomy of it all, Hey, I am a “20 something” being dragged by a “Nudging 40 body” didn’t seem right to me.
It didn’t hit me even the time when a young friend casually used words like ‘speed-dating’, and acronyms like ‘ttyl’, ‘tc’ and ‘btw’ and I had been stumped. What was that? I hadn’t even heard them before, Hello! Where was I when the world was coming up with such terms?
When I turned to my friends for comfort they agreed with me. None of us felt old, well, 40 was old, in fact, is old, isn’t it? But how come we don’t feel that way. How come I can giggle like a school girl in teens when I am with my old friends? Ouch!! Pun unintended, by old here, I don’t mean age, just friends whom I have known for a long time!! How come my friends seem the same to me and I seem the same to them, for years now. Is it that I have mentally aged them alongside me? Or I can’t see the physical changes in their appearances, as I can’t see any changes in my own?
My teenage daughter surely can and she knows how to bruise my ego. When I showed her some pictures my friends posted on “Facebook” and told her, my friends haven’t changed a bit from our college days she said nonchalantly, “They must have really looked old in college then’ or the time I showed her my pictures from college, and she exclaimed, ‘Ma, you look so different, so young, in fact, quite nice” What was that supposed to be, a compliment or what? Am I different now? I still feel the same.
I want to scream out, ‘I am the same’; ‘I look the same’, ‘I am no different’, but something holds me back. Maybe my new found maturity!! All around, there were enough hints. Only, I didn’t take them. I think I should have realized I am past the mark. But not me, No. Well, Fearsome Forties??!!!....
Well, who cares…? Here I go…
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