Why do the 'Whys' Bother me!

If there's one word in the English language that can and infact, does drive me crazy, it is the word 'why'. A simple three letter word...and yet its power is almost overwhelming in my life. It is like a mole that i'm born with...it is like a chronic pain that doesn't go away...it is all things bad and ugly...and yet i seem to have no power to make that word go away from my mind...

Almost with a killing OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) the word 'why' keeps popping into my head at the least expected of times. It is not when i go through rough patches that the word pops into my head, like it would in most normal people. For instance, anybody going through a tough period in their life may wonder at some point 'why me' and that is generally seen as the norm. It is human nature to wonder why you are being burdened with problems when others seem to enjoy a good life. If the 'whys' came to me at such times, i wouldn't be writing this! On the contrary...i steadfastly can take on the rough patches with a quiet calm and in a surprisingly stoic manner.

The 'whys' bother me only in good times, like, when i'm offered good choices or when people are nice to me. To throw more light on my case, if a stranger smiles at me, he/she has successfully messed up my thoughts for the next few minutes at least! The 'why' comes to me with a vengence and takes over my thoughts and the stream of thoughts would go thus, "why is that person smiling at me...do i know him/her... is there anything on my face/dress/behavior which has prompted that smile?!"

Another instance, if anyone says they've liked what i've written, i immediately think, 'why are they being nice to me', 'why are they so polite to me'?! The 'whys' again...why can't i accept compliments or good things and get on with life like other people do!

This obsession with the 'whys' has affected my life and life-events in no small measure. I've quit working as a freelance writer for people because they were good to me. Because they didn't give me deadlines, because they always told me they were happy with what i wrote. I mean why couldn't i have accepted that?! Again, my obsession with the 'whys'...'why are they being so nice to me?'. The answers that i've come up for the 'whys' amaze even me sometimes! In this case, i've assumed a 'perceived friendship' maybe coming in the way of them being too rigid with timelines and feedback, hence i take the way out and i quit.

I've passed up job offers and jobs for the same reason. Like the time i had applied for a part-time position in a Spoken English coaching center and i was offered the role of a Centre Head. I didn't take it up because i thought they were being just nice to me...and the 'whys' again!

I've recently been given a more responsible role at my workplace and the 'whys' have come back to bother me. I wonder 'why are they being nice to me?'. Are they too polite to tell me they have no suitable role that i was initially taken for hence this better role offer?!

I've asked people point-blank why they are being nice to me or why they are offering me positions way beyond my expectations or experience. In situation, where people expected me to smile politely and say thank you, i've stumped them by asking 'why me?!'...a least expected questions in pleasant circumstances. The answers i think up of why people are being nice to me in various situations can sound so contrived as to be almost crazy! For instance, in the present scenario or as in my previous job offers, i presume they don't have a position that i'm seeking and they are too polite to tell me, so they offer me positions bigger and better?!! How contrived and twisted does it sound?!

Now, that i've put my thoughts down in writing...my reasoning seems to border on stupidity even to me! In brutally honest moments my family and close friends have told me that i would be the perfect case-study for psychiatry students, because of my obsession with the 'whys'!! Maybe it is some low self-esteem/self-confidence issues that make me question other people's judgement in the light of my own self-worth!

Wow! what a profound self-analytical mode to start the day with. I hope and i really hope with all my heart, that there comes a day when i am not always questioning other people's actions and am able to unquestioningly accept the good things in my life...as they come to me.

Till such a time, i can only hope that the 'whys' don't bother me too much!